Therapy dedicated to the LGBTQ community
Despite major step forwards in equality in recent years, people who identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender are still too often victims of homophobia, biphobia or transphobia, and they are greatly misunderstood.
For this reason, I offer therapy dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community:
Relationship Therapy (also known as Couple Therapy if there are two people in the relationship) and Intimate Partners Therapy (if there are more than two people in the relationship): sexual and relationship problems. For more information, Click here.
Treatment for compulsive sexual behaviours, problematic porn use and compulsive use of hook-up apps for gay/ bisexual men and men who have sex with men.
For more information, Click here
Treatment for sexual abuse and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
For more information, Click here
I also offer LGBTQ+ specific therapy:
Coming Out
Sometimes our sexuality and sexual desires can be complex, leaving us feeling confused about who we are. Accepting ourselves can be more difficult than it seems. Figuring out who we are and what to do can be a lonely process, especially when faced with pressure to conform to the ‘norms’ of society of what it ‘should’ be like to be a man or a woman, and what it ‘should’ be like to be sexual. There may be fear and anxiety thinking about the risk of humiliation or bullying by others, which can also be daunting and distressing when thinking about coming out.
Coming out also applies when we start to think about our gender. The process of questioning our gender is often misunderstood, leaving people feeling isolated and open to humiliation and bullying by others.
The process of coming out begins when we start to recognise our attitudes and feelings towards our own sexuality and gender. Comparing ourselves to the social and family ‘norms’ governing aspects of our lives, it may seem that our sexuality or gender is ‘abnormal’ or ‘deviant’, especially as our world is filled with heteronormative messages about what people believe to be ‘normal’ and ‘right’.
Psychotherapy will help you challenge these social conditionings and enable you to decide for yourself what is right for you. I provide a humanistic, non-judgmental, safe space for you to explore your sexuality, sexual feelings and gender identity in depth in order for you to make sense of it all. This process will enable you to make choices for what is best for you, including steps and strategies for coming out, and the considerations to keep safe.
Survivors of Homophobic Attacks
Although the UK is considered a liberal country with good LGBTQ+ human rights, Stonewall (stonewall.org.uk) reported some disturbing facts and figures about the lives of LGBTQ+ people living in the UK today. Here is just a snippet of the report:
Charity organisation Just Like Us (justlikeus.org) released a report Growing Up LGBT+ and found that 68% of young people say their mental health has ‘got worse’ since the pandemic, compared to 49% of their non-LGBT peers. Also, LGBT+ young people are twice as likely to contemplate suicide than non-LGBT+ young people, and Black LGBT+ young people are three times more likely.
These facts and figures reveal an uncomfortable truth that not all is well in a country deemed as liberal. Despite laws protecting LGBTQIA+ people in the UK, the reality of LGBTQIA+ people’s lives is quite different.
Surviving a homophobic attack can leave people feeling distressed and scared for a long time. For some people, it can develop into PTS symptoms (Post-Traumatic Stress) or PTSD symptoms (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
PTS and PTSD symptoms are:
It is important to note that these symptoms are normal to experience immediately after traumatic event. If some of these symptoms persist one month after the traumatic event, a diagnosis of PTS can be formulated.
When the symptoms of PTS are chronic, they can lead to psychological disturbances such as:
PTSD is a specific psychological condition. It manifests with the same symptoms as PTS but it is more severe causing a high level of daily dysfunction.
If you have survived a homophobic attack and feeling distressed by it, do not suffer in silence. There is specialist treatment that can help you heal.
Chemsex
What is Chemsex?
Chemsex is the term used when gay, bi men and men who have sex with men (MSM), including transmen, use psychoactive drugs before and/or during sex. The main motivation using drugs for sex is to enhance sexual pleasure and to reduce the shame associated with sex.
The most common drugs used in Chemsex are crystal methamphetamine, GHB/GBL (gamma-hydroxybutyrate / gamma-butyrolactone) and cathinones (mephedrone, 3MMC, 4MMC). The combination of these drugs is potent because they enhance sexual desire and pleasure, relaxes people and creates a chemically-induced connection with others. Sometimes, these drugs are taken alongside other substances such as ketamine, cocaine, alcohol, poppers and/or sildenafil (commonly known as Viagra or Cialis).
Chemsex is very popular because its pleasurable effects (enhanced sexual pleasure, stronger connections, less shame and no rejection) seem to be the perfect “antidote” to temporarily combat minority stress (the ongoing stress of the expectation of prejudice for being a minority and marginalised person), society’s heteronormativity and homophobia, and the intra-community minority stress (the competition between MSM in the gay scene due to internalised homophobia).
Chemsex: an epidemic
Chemsex behaviours is prevalent in the gay scene in London and other major cities around the world.
Most Chemsex behaviours happen in private sex parties, in someone’s home, behind closed doors. These sex parties are also called ‘chill out’ parties. It is so prevalent amongst gay men and MSM that health professionals call it an epidemic affecting the gay scene. It is a hidden epidemic that causes significant harm to the individuals engaging in Chemsex and the wider gay community. A majority of people engaging in Chemsex do not have sex without drugs (or sober sex) for a long period of time. The more people engage in Chemsex, the harder it is to have sober sex.
Chemsex is the illusion of the antidote to living in a heteronormative world: an instant, deep connection with people, free of judgements and no rejections.
Chemsex episodes of between 12 to 48 hours are the norm:
HIV+ve patients not on medications:
HIV+ve patients on medications:
HIV –ve patients:
These statistics show that the likelihood of contracting HIV when engaging in Chemsex is very high. When one feels the illusion of being free of shame, and having an instant deep connection to multiple sexual partners, it is much harder to engage the rational brain about the reality and the consequence of sexual behaviours. In fact, thinking about reality is not desirable because it would spoil the euphoria state that feels so good at the time.
The Chemsex Study published in March 2014 looked at the relationship between Chemsex and sex, relationships and intimacy. It supports the psychological evidence that Chemsex is not only a drug problem.
Chemsex has many negative consequences. After Chemsex behaviours, when the drugs wear off, there is a crash into reality. When it happens, the negative core beliefs come back with a vengeance, usually more acute than before. People often feel intensely ashamed, angry with themselves, disgusting, depressed, anxious, ill, etc.
What seemed to be the ‘magic pill’ to the underlying shame actually makes it worse.
The therapeutic process is challenging but it is the best gift of love to give to yourself. It is a place where you can start to make long-lasting changes and reconnect to your true self. The investment in therapy is so much less costly than drugs and its negative consequences.
If you are not sure about therapy, or if you can't afford the private fees, please do not stay without support! Access 56 Dean Street Clinic in Soho. It is a free NHS service and it is the world’s leading clinic in Chemsex support. For more information about 56 Dean Street, Click here.
Homophobia
The equal rights of LGBTQ+ people have improved significantly over the last few years. However, the LGBTQ+ community has a long history of trauma.
Today, unfortunately, homophobia still exists. And it is still violent.
The history: the trauma of homophobia
'Homosexuality' was a criminal offence until 1967 and a mental health disorder until 1990. Many LGBTQ+ people fought for equal rights, marching in the streets whilst stones were thrown at them throughout the 70’s and 80’s. The AIDS crisis in the 80s added another layer of large scale trauma in the gay community. Today, although the UK is one of the wonderful leading countries in LGBTQ+ equal rights, where Queer people can get married and live without fear of being arrested, homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is still very much alive.
Internalised homo-negativity:
There is another side to the trauma of homophobia. It is insidious and toxic. When one is feeling rejected because of who they naturally are, a deep psychological phenomenon happens: shame.
Most Queer people have a sense of being different from others, usually as far back as they can remember, in early childhood. Of course, then, the young person cannot put words like ‘gay’ or ‘sexuality’ or ‘homophobia’ into those uncomfortable feelings. So, instead, they have to make sense of those feelings the best they can. Often, the young queer person translates those feelings into simple phrases such as: ‘There is something wrong with me’. Or ‘I am bad’. Or ‘I am wrong’. Or ‘I am not good enough’. These simple phrases feel so true at the time that they become embedded in the psyche, they become core beliefs, and the young queer person grows up until adulthood retaining those core beliefs. By adulthood, those core beliefs are so deep-seated that they are even unconscious. However, being unconscious does not mean dormant. In fact, it is the opposite. Those unconscious core beliefs are dynamic, and they often pull the strings and run the show. It means that an intelligent fully grown queer person can make decisions based on core beliefs rather than on the reality is that in front of them.
Those core beliefs become triggered especially in situations when we feel vulnerable. We feel vulnerable when we go on a first date, when we have sex, when we try to connect to others, when we want to be liked, when we want to feel accepted. Those core beliefs are the great motor of one of the most distressing human feelings: shame.
The LGBTQ+ population share a traumatic history, and still have to face both external and internal homophobia today, causing a range of difficulties:
Processing and resolving trauma can help with:
I employ a sexuality diversity affirmative approach.
Survivors of conversion practices
Conversion 'therapy', also called 'reparative therapy' or 'gay cure' is an unethical and extremely harmful practice that assumes heterosexuality is the only 'natural' sexuality and being gay is 'wrong' and a 'lifestyle choice'. Most modern version of conversion therapy may be called under different names, including 'spiritual guidance' and it coerces people in believing that their same-sex attraction is a result of childhood trauma and the therapy can change them to heterosexuality so that they can marry an opposite-sex partner and have children as God intended.
All the major UK psychology and psychotherapy bodies have denounced the practice as unethical and harmful. They have signed a MoU on conversion therapy making it unethical to promote or offer conversion therapy. However, it is not yet illegal in the UK so conversion therapy is thriving underground, mostly in religious settings but also in some clinical settings. Some of the unethical practice can be subtle, offer of false sense empathy, weaponising the language of therapy and introducing pseudo-science. In fact, it shouldn't be called 'therapy', it should be called conversion abuse.
Most people don't speak up about being a survivor of conversion therapy because of shame, but it is estimated that a large number of LGBTQ people have been offered and have gone through conversion therapy. It is thought that asexual people are at greater risk of being offered conversion practices by unduly pathologising their lack of sexual interest for a disorder and offering a treatment that forces them to be sexual. Also, the UK Government published a study showing that some people may be offered conversion practices through the pseudo-diagnosis of “sex addiction” by pathologising sexual behaviours and offering (often expensive) treatments to force their sexual behaviours to fit into some societal and religious “norms”. Gay men and people with a kink and fetish are particularly vulnerable to be offered conversion practices through the “sex addiction” pseudo-diagnosis. For more information, click here.
The body of research unanimously shows that conversion therapy does not work and it causes great psychological harm including:
If you are a survivor of conversion therapy, don't suffer in silence. Help is available. I am an experienced psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist, trauma psychotherapist and I embrace gender, sex and relationship diversities (GSRD). I have experience in helping LGBTQ+ people heal from the trauma of conversion therapy.
Receiving a HIV diagnosis, living with HIV and having a relationship with different HIV status
Receiving HIV diagnosis and living with HIV.
Despite so much medical progress in treating HIV, the virus cannot yet be eradicated and the condition cannot yet be cured. However, receiving a HIV diagnosis is not a life sentence any longer. If diagnosed early and treated early, HIV is now a chronic condition that can be well-managed with medications to be taken for life.
Receiving the diagnosis of HIV Positive can be shocking and it is an abrupt life changing moment. Suddenly, the future that you had imagined for yourself may crumble leaving a void before you. It can be difficult to figure out your thoughts and feelings and what it all means for you. Sexual psychotherapy can help you explore all of those thoughts and feelings in a humanistic, non-judgmental and safe space in order for you to make sense of it all and enable you to make the necessary steps forward for the lifestyle changes needed, to keep you safe and to re-construct the vision of a new future for yourself.
Having a partner of different HIV status:
You may have heard the rather horrid term: serodiscordant couples to describe a couple with different HIV status.
Thanks to the medical progress in HIV research, couples with different HIV status can now enjoy a sexual life that has few barriers. If the HIV Positive partner is on medication is his condition is well managed to the point of having an undetectable viral load, the virus is unlikely to be transmitted to the HIV Negative partner. However, there is still a lot of stigma around the HIV status.
Sexual Psychotherapy can help with:
Disclosing your HIV status to your new partner.
As a couple, you can explore together your sexuality, sexual desires and sexual practices so that you can make your own choices for a fulfilling sex life.
As a couple or an individual, you can explore your anxiety, doubts, blocks, thoughts and feelings regarding HIV in a safe and non-judgmental space.
As a couple, you can explore the relationship issues that you may have and find some ways to move forward into the relationship that you both want.
Excessive use of the gym and exercise. Pre-occupation with gaining muscles. Body Image.
Being pre-occupied with gaining muscles and going to the gym and exercise excessively is very common amongst gay men. It is often driven by wanting to look “perfect” and meeting the relentless demand of “body perfection” highly praised in the gay scene. Such acute body pre-occupation may lead to serious consequences: social isolation, depression, difficulty to maintain sexual and romantic relationships, difficulty to maintain friendships, acute anxiety, eating disorders, high likelihood of substance misuse and steroid abuse, risk of suicide. The quality of life of people with body perfectionism and acute pre-occupation is severely impacted by the obsessional need to train at the gym, and the inability to prioritise other important needs for wellbeing.
If you think you have an issue with this, do not wait until you suffer the damaging consequences. Psychotherapy can help with exploring all the thoughts and feelings you have about your body image and your exercise behaviours in a safe and non-judgmental space, so that you can make the choices that you want in order to lead a functional and fulfilling life that feels right for you.
Diverse Sexuality and Relationships
It can be difficult to find a meaning to our sexuality, sexual desires and how we want to form relationships.
There are many social and family ‘norms’ that preach how sexuality, sexual desires and sexual practice ‘should’ be like and what is ‘right’ or ‘normal’. If you feel you don’t fit in this narrow ‘norm’ which is often heteronormative, it can be a lonely and distressing place to be.
Sex and Relationship Therapy will help you challenge these social conditionings and enable you to decide for yourself what is right for you. I provide a humanistic, non-judgmental, safe space for you to explore your sexuality, sexual feelings, sexual desires, sexual practice preferences in depth in order for you to make sense of it all. This process will enable you to make choices for what is best for you. I am experienced in exploring all types of sexual desires and practice including Kink and BDSM. I am also experienced in working with all kinds of relationships including monogamy, open relationships, polyamory, etc.